Gaming and E-sports

Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo are monsters in the worst soccer game of all time

Everyone knows the domination and supremacy of FIFA when it comes to soccer video games, but Konami is coming for EA Sports’ crown this year with eFootball 2022. Should it get that crowd it has two extremely ugly heads to put it on.

I refused to believe this was real until I dug in a little more and confirmed this is accurate. That said, I do not believe these are Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo, I think it’s actually “Lonel Messy” and “Chris Ranoldo,” they’re non-union scab equivalents.

Messi looks like he’s inherited his father’s sausage business, which is barely scraping by, but he feels he needs to keep it open out of familial duty. He’s unhappy, and unfulfilled, which makes it hurt so much more when customers tell him he makes the best chorizo in Buenos Aires. If he’s the best then why isn’t the business better? If people appreciated the sausage so much maybe he could hire another employee and take a vacation for once.

Meanwhile Ronaldo is an Animorph that was mid-transformation between its English Bulldog form and a night job as a hitman, when the wind changed as his face froze that way. Now he’s on a quest to find a warlock who can undo the curse so he can return to his normal form.

As bad as these scans are, it’s nothing compared to how eFootball 2022 is being received. It’s currently the worst-reviewed game OF ALL TIME on Steam, and it’s impossible to find anyone who actually thinks this is a good game. Cap it all off with the absolutely horrifying crowd populating the stands, who apparently all decided to attend a football match after being put through Jigsaw’s “Saw” trials.

I just hope both Lonel Messy and Chris Ranoldo can find happiness.

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